As dark as a New Yorkers’ sense of humor, The Kraken is a spiced rum blended with natural flavors and caramel color. Unleashed from the depths of the ocean, it’s been sighted careening over Niagara Falls, unfurling its tentacles through the Finger Lakes, and crushing hotdog-eating contests in Coney Island.

As dark as a cloud of bats from under the Congress Ave bridge, The Kraken is a spiced rum blended with natural flavors and caramel color. If reports are true, Houston definitely has a problem, as its tentacles have stretched across the Lonestar state, riding fences and keeping Austin weird.

As the Official Rum of the Seattle Kraken, this spiced rum blended with natural flavors and caramel color has earned its moniker. From its home beneath the Tacoma Narrows Bridge, it lays in wait with Galloping Gertie as the sworn protector of Climate Pledge Arena. Its menacing message is clear: don’t puck with Seattle.

As dark as the Pine Barrens before dawn, The Kraken is a spiced rum blended with natural flavors and caramel color. Since crossing the Delaware at Trenton, it’s been spotted blowing through toll booths and not tipping at diners, waging an aquatic war on any “devil” that stands in its path.

As dark as your mood sitting in traffic, The Kraken is a spiced rum blended with natural flavors and caramel color. No longer confined to the depths of the Pacific, its tentacles have been spotted across the Golden State, from San Diego to Shasta, destroying taco trucks and panning for gold.

As dark as the Tell-Tale Heart, The Kraken is a spiced rum blended with natural flavors and caramel color. Multiple sightings in the Keystone State find this beast taunting phanatics, stealing cheesesteaks and winding its tentacles behind steel curtains.

• As dark as Lake Michigan on a moonless night, The Kraken is a spiced rum blended with natural flavors and caramel color. Forsaking the laws of nature, it has been spotted from the Mississippi to Wabash, from Peoria to Wicker Park, hanging with O’Leary’s cow and a deep dish pizza.

As dark as a gator in the Glades, The Kraken is a spiced Caribbean rum blended with natural flavors and caramel color. From the mermaids in Weeki Wachee to snow birds in Boca, no species (or tourist attraction) is safe from the smooth, black tentacles of this mysterious beast.

As dark as a lake-effect whiteout at midnight, The Kraken is a spiced rum blended with natural flavors and caramel color. Far from its watery home, this beast has been spotted across the Buckeye state, sticking its tentacles in the world’s largest apple baskets, cuckoo clocks, drumsticks, gavels, you name it.

As dark as the bottom of Inner Harbor, The Kraken is a spiced rum blended with natural flavors and caramel color. Mistaken for Chessie off the shores of Love Point, this nautical nuisance has been up to no good across the Old Line State, reenacting battles and plotting jailbreaks at the aquarium.

As dark as an eternity in Marvel Cave, The Kraken is a spiced rum blended with natural flavors and caramel color. While many “Show Me State” residents remain unconvinced, reports abound of the Kraken terrorizing float trips in the Ozarks, picking fights on the Landing, and crushing burnt ends in KC.

As dark as the bottom of the Great Dismal Swamp, The Kraken is a spiced rum blended with natural flavors and caramel color. This elusive beast has left a trail of black magic (and BBQ sauce) from Cape Fear to the Great Smoky Mountains.

As dark as a new moon at the North Rim, The Kraken is a spiced rum blended with natural flavors and caramel color. Far from its watery keep, this ancient beast was spotted atop ponderosas in the Peaks and somewhere in a Sedona vortex sucking down Sonoran hot dogs.

As dark as the rumors around Area 51, The Kraken is a spiced rum blended with natural flavors and caramel color. Confounding the laws of nature, it was first spotted hunting Bighorns along the Colorado, before scaling the Hoover Dam with its beastly suckers – no doubt headed to The Strip in search of unsuspecting tourists and all-you-can-eat buffets.

As dark as the depths of Black Canyon, The Kraken is a spiced rum blended with natural flavors and caramel color. Known to tolerate only that which is rich, dark, and smooth, this fearless beast of the deep has been spotted a mile above sea level, using its tentacles to shred the purest pow-pow and terrorize local deadheads.

As dark as a Savannah square on a cloudy night, The Kraken is a spiced rum blended with natural flavors and caramel color. Since finding its way up the Ogeechee River, this elusive beast has been sighted stealing peaches and slinking around Sweet Auburn.

As dark as burnt rubber on the Brickyard track, The Kraken is a spiced rum blended with natural flavors and caramel color. Striking almost as much fear in the hearts of Hoosiers as the end of basketball season, this mysterious beast has been spotted from French Link to South Bend.

As dark as the U.P. in December, The Kraken is a spiced rum blended with natural flavors and caramel color. In an aquatic rampage, it has traversed the Great Lakes Waterway with glee at the prospect of visiting a town called Hell, stopping only for Coney dogs in Detroit as it plots the destruction of all that is pure.

As dark as the Appalachian Trail at midnight, The Kraken is a spiced rum blended with natural flavors and caramel color. If Virginia is for lovers, then this mysterious beast reportedly loves boiled peanuts, slithering in the Shenandoah, and trolling the deep near Jamestown. But mostly lots and lots of boiled peanuts.

As dark as a swamp at midnight, The Kraken is a spiced rum blended with natural flavors and caramel color. Since finding its way down Bourbon Street, this mysterious beast has been spotted from Baton Rouge to Lake Charles.